Positive Endings

It's been an interesting month. One of the busiest months at work for the whole year. I will be glad when August is over! 

This month has also been filled with many blessings though. It's really amazing what The Lord can do when we put all of our trust in Him. Tons of prayers have been answered, questions have been resolved, comfort has been (if not completely, almost) found and relief has been felt. I find happiness easier to find and smiling easier to do. I guess you could say I'm loving life right now! A lot is still up in the air but I have a great feeling about all these decisions that I'll be making within the next few weeks/months. 

My family has been incredible with support and love toward me this month. Sometimes I wonder how they can still be so supportive of my decisions when I want crazy most of the time. 

I have felt my brothers influence in my life tremendously lately. It's really cool because he didn't know a lot of little thing about my life before, but I feel like he is closer than ever now. I want to make him proud and I think I'm going to do that. He was such a free spirit and I want to be more like him. I'm no longer writing Aaron, and am considering different options for my future and school even. I don't want to sound rude about that, but this is a really exciting time in my life! So many opportunities have been placed before me and I want to thank my parents again for encouraging me to get a job in high school. A lot of the things I want to do or have planned wouldn't be able to happen if I didn't have my job. And I'm thankful that they taught me how to save my money. They can go ahead and have the best parents award ;) 

The other day as I was reading my scriptures it dawned on me that people are always going to judge you, but if you know something is right, do it. Like Nephi. He was persecuted by his own brothers but still never gave up. What an example. He had an incredible amount of faith and perseverance. He came through some really hard times and still did great things. Darkness will come, but we must be willing to find the light again.

 President Dieter F Uchtdorf said this: 

"There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things.1 It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn."

Here's to new beginnings. 

I Love You Too Much

A realization that I've come to recently is that sometimes I love people too much. I love to a point that I couldn't live without them. I love people and tell them often because I'm scared. I'm scared of losing people I love or scared of not telling people enough. But when I love like that, there's always fear of not being loved like that in return. I probably force relationships that should be easy going and sometimes that pushes people away. But just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.

Anyway the past week or so has been really awesome actually. Megan and I got to spend a few days in California with our family. It's crazy how many memories we could all share with each other about my brother and about our childhood. Ricky is so much like Glenny. I wish we could spend every single day with them because that's the kind of love people live for. 

It's interesting though what times does in this whole process. I miss my brother so much, but I'm so glad that he is happy right now. I'm so glad that he loves me and knows how much that we love him. I want to make him proud and so I will live for him. I'll wear his old Krono5 gear and wear jewelry that reminds me of him. I'll listen to his music and live a life of happiness just like he did. I'll try a little bit harder to not let judgements get to me. I'll smile a little bit more and go places I never thought I could. I'll go to church every Sunday and read my scriptures because that's what I always told him to do. I'll do my best to be a missionary, because he was the best one there was. I'll sing louder in the car and dance and spot lights because I can. I guess I'll just live my life more fully because that's what he did and would want. I love him so much that I will live for him. 

Every time the sun shines I can hear him say "I'm jumping, are you?" Love you big brother. Forever and ever. 

 

 

The Truth Hurts

I've learned a ton about the people in my life within the past month. I've also learned that people shouldn't always say what's on their mind, especially to an emotionally unstable person. I've been more offended and appalled by people in the past month than I have in probably the past 6 months to a year. But then again I have been shocked by the outpouring of love and compassion that's been shown to me and my family. Now that the initial shock is over and we are left by ourselves, different emotions are beginning to come out. Fridays mean something different now and it's just the mark of another week gone by. 

Some days pictures help and some days they don't. Some days nothing helps and that's okay too. There is no wrong or right way to grieve and I think it's going to be something different for everyone. I feel like I'm really vulnerable right now so when I take things the wrong way people get mad at me. Your friends' true colors come out when they are faced with getting you through the hardest time in your life and to some I feel like I've been dumped and left to fend for myself because now I'm a little bit calmer or less talkative or whatever. I just hope that people are understanding, but not in a way where I would want you to feel my pain, I just don't want misunderstanding to come of this. 

Some days I'll lash out and some days I'll be able to smile and I've found the few people who can handle me on both occasions and I can't thank them enough for sticking by my side no matter what;  mostly my family but the other people know who they are as well. 

Even though it's tough most days, I'm thankful for the scriptures and for prayer and all the things I've been taught to this point in my life to somewhat help me get an understanding of where my brother is and what he is doing now. Comfort only comes through our Heavenly Father and I know that because I've felt the spirit wrap calmness around me at times. This has been one of my favorite scriptures for years and it states: "But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love." It's evident that our Heavenly Father loves us to no end, we just have to let him help us. 

What Happened to June?

I feel like I have so much to write about and I don't really know how to say it all. I haven't written anything since February... So I will touch on some key things that have happened since then.
My job is going well. I work about 30 hours a week and my savings account really appreciates the paychecks ;) I basically run the driving school in Camas. Whenever my boss comes in (Close to once, maybe twice a month) she tells me that I am running the place and that I don't need her. It's kind of weird since I'm only 18, but it's also kind of a nice sense of responsibility. Sometimes it's hard to be really nice to people that come in because they will yell at me for something that's not my fault, but I've been getting great reviews on my customer service so two claps for me ;)
I graduated high school.. Woo... I guess this means I'm a REAL adult now, opposed to 10 months ago when I turned 18. On to bigger and better things.
Aaron comes home in 6 months and we start school in 6 months.. Whaaat?! I can't believe how fast the past 6 months have gone by. I feel like I was just saying that he was half way done. But it's exciting nonetheless! Just about every email I get from him he is telling me how much he loves his mission and it's going to be very bittersweet when it ends. He's amazing for putting up with me lately though. I imagine I've been a pain, but I guess he still kind of likes me though.
Now I wanted to write a little something about my brother, so dad if you are reading this, go get a few tissues.
My brother died on May 31st. You never think that something like a brother, a son, cousin, nephew, friend, or boyfriend passing away until it happens to you. Hundreds of people die every single day and we don't seem to have as much feeling for them until it happens to us. My dad and I were just talking about how much of a blur June was. I feel like June never even happened. It was May and now it's July.
I spoke at Glen's memorial service on the Plan of Salvation. It wasn't quite like writing a school paper, or preparing a talk for church because I could be as personal as I wanted and it wasn't going to matter. Right now I can't even think of what I said, but apparently it was decently worded. Basically I know that I will see my brother again and that my whole family will be able to be together after this life. I know that our Heavenly Father is close by and is watching over my family and all of the people who are mourning at this time. Glen is safe, an he is happier than ever. Which is sometimes hard to believe since he always had that incredible smile on his face. He's a great example to me because he always did what he wanted in life and there weren't many things that could hold him back from that. Although he was afraid of bees, porcelain dolls, dark water, and clowns, he wasn't afraid of life itself. I have learned that time does not fix everything, because I will always miss my brother, but I have also learned that time does not exist to our Heavenly Father. He does not do things based on a schedule or have certain things to cram into one day. Time in heaven is a peaceful thing, not something to be rushed or kept track of. I guess that's why we get an eternity huh? My mind can't really fathom the concept of eternity, aside from the fact that it's forever.
This song says it best though. We had this on the program at Glen's service. Kolob is the place that is closest to God. I am also attaching the video that Megan and I created for Glenny.
1. If you could hie to Kolob

1. In the twinkling of an eye,
   And then continue onward
   With that same speed to fly,
   Do you think that you could ever,
   Through all eternity,
   Find out the generation
   Where Gods began to be?
2. 2. Or see the grand beginning,
   Where space did not extend?
   Or view the last creation,
   Where Gods and matter end?
   Methinks the Spirit whispers,
   "No man has found 'pure space,'
   Nor seen the outside curtains,
   Where nothing has a place."
3. 3. The works of God continue,
   And worlds and lives abound;
   Improvement and progression
   Have one eternal round.
   There is no end to matter;
   There is no end to space;
   There is no end to spirit;
   There is no end to race.
4. 4. There is no end to virtue;
   There is no end to might;
   There is no end to wisdom;
   There is no end to light.
   There is no end to union;
   There is no end to youth;
   There is no end to priesthood;
   There is no end to truth.
5. 5. There is no end to glory;
   There is no end to love;
   There is no end to being;
   There is no death above.
   There is no end to glory;
   There is no end to love;
   There is no end to being;
   There is no death above.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Ambition

Ambition- The strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.
I think this would be my word of the month for February. Best month I've had in a long time! And it's hard to say that a whole month was good, but all of February really was great!
I passed my culmination project at the beginning of the month which means I can now graduate and that I have very little motivation to go to school. :P 3 more months!
On the 8th was Aaron's one year mark! I honestly don't even know how we got this far. It seems like it was only a few months ago, but I'm thankful for everything I have learned this past year. Less than 11 months to go!
I got into BYU Idaho too. I'd say the word ambition fits here nicely. Even though the acceptance rate is high, it's getting into a university! So I was very excited. I then had to fill out a questionnaire for which track I would be assigned to. There are three tracks at BYU Idaho; Fall/Winter, Winter/Spring, and Fall/Spring. I really wanted the Winter/Spring track so I could stay here and (hopefully) get a job to help pay for college. All the questions were about if I was married and if my spouse was attending the university, if I would be serving a mission, etc. the answer to all of these questions was no so I was pretty nervous about what my track assignment would be. I have full faith that Heavenly Father has a say in what BYU does because I got the track I had been wanting! ;) Three days later I was blessed to have gotten a job at a Driving School. As me and my parents keep saying, I don't think I could have gotten a better job at a better time. I work afternoons typically from 2:30-7:30 and work Saturdays from 11:30-5. I make $10/hour and we figure I'll have about $5000 saved by the time I leave next winter. I can't think my Heavenly Father enough for these blessings.
I found out a few days ago that I don't have to take my online class anymore! Since junior year I have taken an exit 6th period so I could attend release time seminary. My counselor told me last year that if I did this again for both semesters of my senior year that I would be behind half a credit and would need to take an online class. So I signed up for online piano.... And it was such a hard class! I've never played piano in my life and I was trying to learn without a teacher. The class was pretty overwhelming and the binder for the class sat on my floor for about a month, so I decided I would calculate my credits online to see if I really needed the class and turns out I didn't! Hallelujah! If I had waited 10 more days to check, I wouldn't have been able to switch out of the class and probably would have gotten a bad grade. This is why we always need to listen to what the spirit tells us. All these good things that are happening to me are results of paying my tithing, attending seminary, going to church, reading my scriptures, etc. I would never think for a minute that I'm a "lucky" person. Heavenly Father does not give out luck, he gives out guidance so we can make the right decisions on our own. That's a part of free agency that I love; I chose. I chose to do the things I did and the consequence was a good one. It makes you think what other people define happiness as. I see it as being satisfied with the way your life is going. Being able to smile at other people's joy, and always being able to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Optimism goes right along with happiness. If you believe you're going to fail, it's a lot easier to fail. Students in my pottery class always raise their hand and say "I can't do this. I'm failing. I suck." Mr.Jackman comes up to them and says "Well if you believe you can't do it, you never will." Optimism and words of wisdom right there. And I believe that too. If at first you fail, try and try again.

Why You No Like Me?

That awkward moment on Senior Night for Cheer when your name is called at no one on your team claps for you...
Okay just had to get that out in the open. WHY YOU NO LIKE ME?!

Senior year is half way over!! Yay! My second semester classes are pretty awesome. I got a new English teacher and I'm super excited about that. I now have Advanced pottery and Child Psych 2 added to my schedule. Child psych 2 is so different from Child Psych 1. The past two days we have been learning how to write in the "proper" way again so that we can teach the kindergarteners when we start going to Harthwood Elementary in a couple weeks. I never realized how many people held their pencils wrong and wrote their letters incorrectly. Me included. It's almost pointless to teach the method because everyone develops their own style and after a while the right way feels like the wrong way. I think I've held my pencil the same way since about 6th grade so today having to hold my pencil the proper way hurt my hand.
I don't know how my advanced pottery class is going to go just yet. I got one semester of beginning pottery to learn the basics and now I'm all on my own. I think it helps knowing that I'm held to a high standard though. Today we got our first project and we were to work on our own while Mr. Jackman taught the beginning students in a separate room. Since I know what I'm capable of, I think I'll be able to do well in the class.
Oh and I have my senior presentation tomorrow! Kind of a big deal considering if I don't pass, I don't graduate. But I'm not too worried :)
Okay enough about school; seminary.
For the past few months I have say in the front row not worrying about who is around me and if I'm even sitting by anyone at all. It's a lot easier to pick up on things when there's no one around you. I've learned a ton from sitting by myself and I think I'll continue doing it. I don't say as much as I used to because I figure if I feel something in my heart, that's special to me and not EVERYTHING needs to be said. I don't want to be that girl who comments every 5 seconds, although that's not always a bad thing. A lot of times I ponder what my teacher is saying and try to apply it to my life. I probably look so zoned out most of the time. Oops. I had an experience a couple weeks ago that really bothered me. Our teacher asked us to take a survey for him about gospel principals and some personal questions. Everyone around me took this as a joke and wrote down funny, unrealistic answers. When I had finished my teacher said "I think you're the only one who took that seriously. Are you annoyed yet? Or are you used to that?" I kinda of smirked and said "Nah it's fine." I understand that sometimes it's cool to be funny or loud or make a ton of side remarks, but I thought that was really rude toward our teacher. I think he expected more out of my class and I'm sad that because of that, the results of that survey will be really messed up.
This Sunday I went to two mission farewells. Mitch who is going to San Jose and Bryan who is going to Cambodia. Both of these people have been in my life for quite some time. Both talks were awesome, but something stuck with me from Mitch's talk. And I know it stuck with my dad too, because we talked about it at dinner that night. He shared a story about a young boy who had gotten a basketball scholarship to BYU but decided to serve a mission first. When he came home, the scholarship was no longer available and he transferred to a school in Utah. The man was now married and had a baby on the way when his team played against the BYU cougars. He was screamed at and harassed by BYU fans. After the game, a few fans were interviewed and were asked "Why are you doing this to him? Isn't he of your faith?" They said "Yes, but these games are very important to us and we check our religion at the door."
If you stand for something, stand for it and never ever check your religion at the door. It's interesting as a high school student to see who checks their religion at the door and who stands up for what they believe. It makes me so sad when I see kids not standing up for what they believe just because they are worried about other people's opinions. If it came down to it, would you defend Christ? I know I would. After all, he has done everything for us and he died for all of us. We own it to him.

Missionary Girlfriends

I saw this on Tumblr on Friday and I just had to share. This guy is awesome!

Missionaries and Girlfriends:
Taken from a fireside by Vaughn Featherstone
Question: Is it good for a fellow to leave a girl behind?
Answer: Is it good for the sun to shine?
Have you ever heard of mission calls telling all missionaries to get rid of all girlfriends? Do you think that you could be a better missionary if she were there to help you? I think you could. Most of my best missionaries during the three years that I served left a girl behind. You notice that I said “girl” and not “girls.” There isn’t time for more than one.
Of course the first duty is to the Lord’s work, which you have been called to do; second is to your family, and third is to the girlfriend. This you should always remember.
I always interviewed all missionaries as they entered the field and one of the questions I asked was, “Do you have a girlfriend at home?” If the answer was yes, I would say, “Can I have her name and address, and would it be all right if I wrote her a letter?” Of course this would scare the poor fellow to death—then I would bring the color back to his face by telling him I only wanted to write her a letter and tell her how lucky she was to have the opportunity to share this mission for the next 24 months with one of the Lord’s chosen servants. If she is faithful, her testimony would become stronger in the gospel because of it… along with a little more advice that I will touch on later.
Young men, do not ask a returned missionary for advice on this subject. For if he has been “jilted,” should we say, he’s giving out poor advice. Pray about this together, and if you feel that you can do a better job, then go ahead. There’s nothing wrong with it. It is better to have support than to go out there wishing that you had it. This is more frustrating than worrying about a “Dear John,” and believe me, there won’t be one of those right in the beginning. The Lord always answers prayers to those who honor Him.
Have an understanding with your parents so they can encourage her and make your girl happy by showing they have faith in her and love her. Let her parents know your plans, and in most cases they will stand by her when she gets lonely. If you show them respect, as well as the girl, they will be behind you all the way.
Write her once a week or more. You can almost always write two letters a week on P-Days. There is plenty of time if they’re not books. Tell her about your mission and experiences, let her live your mission with you through your letters, and send her a snapshot once in a while. Yes, you could let her make a scrapbook for you. Mom is not going to have time and both of them would love that.
Remember that behind every successful man, there is a good woman. So why shouldn’t it be good to leave a girlfriend behind if you feel that she is special? Forget that old story of “24 months is a long time.” I have known girls to wait two or three years. Also forget the story that you will change a lot. You will only if you make yourself scarce in letters, etc. You will only change in the fact that you will be more mature and have a greater testimony and mind.
Now girls, make sure that you do things that will help you grow along with the missionary. Study the gospel; stay active in the church, pray often—morning, noon, and night. Watch out for those lonely returned jilted missionaries. You’re not in a hurry to get married.
Write happy letters every week. Let him know that you still care. He will be looking for those letters if he is really busy during the week and on P-Days. Yes, you could send him a snapshot of yourself. He would love that. So what if you don’t take good pictures—anything will look good to him. You will be busy getting the education you need, perhaps working in and out of the church, maybe learning to sew and all those lovely things, or learning to cook fancy things, but most of all, just learning the basics of life.
If the occasion arises, and you feel as if you want to accept a date now and then, it’s okay, but again… Beware of those jilted returned missionaries. They are dynamite. Stay close to your parents.
Oh yes, there isn’t any harm in leaving a girlfriend at home, if you’re both determined to fulfill the mission together. It will not be the big job you think, but a happy 24 months in both of your lives. When you are both back together again, it won’t be long before you are sure of each other because of your pure maturity. I can say these things because it happened to me, and I know of many others who have experienced the same great thing.