A realization that I've come to recently is that sometimes I love people too much. I love to a point that I couldn't live without them. I love people and tell them often because I'm scared. I'm scared of losing people I love or scared of not telling people enough. But when I love like that, there's always fear of not being loved like that in return. I probably force relationships that should be easy going and sometimes that pushes people away. But just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.
Anyway the past week or so has been really awesome actually. Megan and I got to spend a few days in California with our family. It's crazy how many memories we could all share with each other about my brother and about our childhood. Ricky is so much like Glenny. I wish we could spend every single day with them because that's the kind of love people live for.
It's interesting though what times does in this whole process. I miss my brother so much, but I'm so glad that he is happy right now. I'm so glad that he loves me and knows how much that we love him. I want to make him proud and so I will live for him. I'll wear his old Krono5 gear and wear jewelry that reminds me of him. I'll listen to his music and live a life of happiness just like he did. I'll try a little bit harder to not let judgements get to me. I'll smile a little bit more and go places I never thought I could. I'll go to church every Sunday and read my scriptures because that's what I always told him to do. I'll do my best to be a missionary, because he was the best one there was. I'll sing louder in the car and dance and spot lights because I can. I guess I'll just live my life more fully because that's what he did and would want. I love him so much that I will live for him.
Every time the sun shines I can hear him say "I'm jumping, are you?" Love you big brother. Forever and ever.
I've learned a ton about the people in my life within the past month. I've also learned that people shouldn't always say what's on their mind, especially to an emotionally unstable person. I've been more offended and appalled by people in the past month than I have in probably the past 6 months to a year. But then again I have been shocked by the outpouring of love and compassion that's been shown to me and my family. Now that the initial shock is over and we are left by ourselves, different emotions are beginning to come out. Fridays mean something different now and it's just the mark of another week gone by.
Some days pictures help and some days they don't. Some days nothing helps and that's okay too. There is no wrong or right way to grieve and I think it's going to be something different for everyone. I feel like I'm really vulnerable right now so when I take things the wrong way people get mad at me. Your friends' true colors come out when they are faced with getting you through the hardest time in your life and to some I feel like I've been dumped and left to fend for myself because now I'm a little bit calmer or less talkative or whatever. I just hope that people are understanding, but not in a way where I would want you to feel my pain, I just don't want misunderstanding to come of this.
Some days I'll lash out and some days I'll be able to smile and I've found the few people who can handle me on both occasions and I can't thank them enough for sticking by my side no matter what; mostly my family but the other people know who they are as well.
Even though it's tough most days, I'm thankful for the scriptures and for prayer and all the things I've been taught to this point in my life to somewhat help me get an understanding of where my brother is and what he is doing now. Comfort only comes through our Heavenly Father and I know that because I've felt the spirit wrap calmness around me at times. This has been one of my favorite scriptures for years and it states: "But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love." It's evident that our Heavenly Father loves us to no end, we just have to let him help us.
I feel like I have so much to write about and I don't really know how to say it all. I haven't written anything since February... So I will touch on some key things that have happened since then.
My job is going well. I work about 30 hours a week and my savings account really appreciates the paychecks ;) I basically run the driving school in Camas. Whenever my boss comes in (Close to once, maybe twice a month) she tells me that I am running the place and that I don't need her. It's kind of weird since I'm only 18, but it's also kind of a nice sense of responsibility. Sometimes it's hard to be really nice to people that come in because they will yell at me for something that's not my fault, but I've been getting great reviews on my customer service so two claps for me ;)
I graduated high school.. Woo... I guess this means I'm a REAL adult now, opposed to 10 months ago when I turned 18. On to bigger and better things.
Aaron comes home in 6 months and we start school in 6 months.. Whaaat?! I can't believe how fast the past 6 months have gone by. I feel like I was just saying that he was half way done. But it's exciting nonetheless! Just about every email I get from him he is telling me how much he loves his mission and it's going to be very bittersweet when it ends. He's amazing for putting up with me lately though. I imagine I've been a pain, but I guess he still kind of likes me though.
Now I wanted to write a little something about my brother, so dad if you are reading this, go get a few tissues.
My brother died on May 31st. You never think that something like a brother, a son, cousin, nephew, friend, or boyfriend passing away until it happens to you. Hundreds of people die every single day and we don't seem to have as much feeling for them until it happens to us. My dad and I were just talking about how much of a blur June was. I feel like June never even happened. It was May and now it's July.
I spoke at Glen's memorial service on the Plan of Salvation. It wasn't quite like writing a school paper, or preparing a talk for church because I could be as personal as I wanted and it wasn't going to matter. Right now I can't even think of what I said, but apparently it was decently worded. Basically I know that I will see my brother again and that my whole family will be able to be together after this life. I know that our Heavenly Father is close by and is watching over my family and all of the people who are mourning at this time. Glen is safe, an he is happier than ever. Which is sometimes hard to believe since he always had that incredible smile on his face. He's a great example to me because he always did what he wanted in life and there weren't many things that could hold him back from that. Although he was afraid of bees, porcelain dolls, dark water, and clowns, he wasn't afraid of life itself. I have learned that time does not fix everything, because I will always miss my brother, but I have also learned that time does not exist to our Heavenly Father. He does not do things based on a schedule or have certain things to cram into one day. Time in heaven is a peaceful thing, not something to be rushed or kept track of. I guess that's why we get an eternity huh? My mind can't really fathom the concept of eternity, aside from the fact that it's forever.
This song says it best though. We had this on the program at Glen's service. Kolob is the place that is closest to God. I am also attaching the video that Megan and I created for Glenny. 1. If you could hie to Kolob
